However, I am surrounded by the smartest people I know all day, through IRC channels mainly, but through blogs talking about the most super fringe use cases of software as well and through the Internet in general. I don't frequent any forums per se, I don't use much social media. IRC is really my preferred communication protocol.
Anyway, over the years, I have come to learn I am a jerk. During high school, I was often called an asshole (usually in a playful way though). One of my sisters favorite lines when I ask her to do something is "Why don't you learn to ask it not like a jerk?". I just brush it off because I have no idea what it means. Generally speaking, I don't know why what I do is perceived in such a manner. While playing a game of chess with a friend from high school, the topic of me being an asshole came up. To describe me, he said "But you are different kind of asshole, so it's ok". Again, I don't know what this really means, but apparently I am a distinct kind of asshole that can be tolerated. That is a nice thing to know.
During high school, I wasn't the most social person in the world, but I was in band and enjoyed the company of other bandmates. I didn't like the regiment like behaviour of the marching band though. I hated it. I would fail classes so that I couldn't march in the band. I loved concert band, however. It is the one thing I wish I had never stopped doing.
Apparently, because I never slept and I was in my room all the time on my computer, my parents thought I was doing drugs. Which drugs I don't know, but when I learned about this, I thought it was humorous. My grades during high school were also very poor. My parents were legitimately concerned about me graduating. I never was. Old high school friends now say that I hardly hung out with anyone outside of school and I was always talking about the cool stuff I was doing with my computer. I never noticed this and to be honest, I don't agree.
For about two years now, I have suspected I have Asperger's Syndrome. It would help explain a lot of things in my life (my "introvertedness", my interest in computers, my somewhat "odd" behaviour). I found the Wikipedia article on a whim and realised it described a lot of me. I see a psychiatrist for depression, and have discussed this with him. While at first he wasn't quite sure and was apprehensive, after a few meetings, he seems to be on the same page as me and encourages me to participate on sites like Wrong Planet.
While I find the active age group on the discussion boards younger than I would like, I do read it and find valuable information on social rules and stigmas that I didn't previously see or understand.
My whole life I always felt like I was different from everyone else, and couldn't quite place my finger on it. I don't think I will seek a diagnosis. It is nice, though, being able to put a form to what was once an unintelligible blob. Of course, this is just my personal opinion. By no means am I saying everyone should go self-diagnosing themselves. It took me about a year to get comfortable enough with the idea to discuss it with my mother.
Thank for sharing! Appreciate your courage!
ReplyDeleteThanks for such a frank an honest blog entry, certainly not something an asshole would do - an asshole would assume everyone else is responsible for his challenges in the world.
ReplyDeleteI think the question you should ask yourself is "what do I really want out of life". If a more private and isolated experience is what you want, then stick to what you are doing, but if you would like to be more social, have some more personal relationships with others, and be more outgoing...then strive for it. The first step in my mind is to answer that question honestly, and know the answer, even if it is the uncomfortable one to know.
All the best, take care, and give me a shout if I can help with anything. :-)
I'm not a psychiatrist, but I always assumed Asperger syndrome posed a significant barrier to an individual's ability to function. From your admittedly short description that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems to me you just choose different ways to interact and achieve your goals, which is more in line with a simple introvert personality.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, you should read Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe. It's an excellent exploration of the personality traits of introversion, and how to accept and take advantage of them.
@Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteYes, this short post does not do any kind of justice in describing why I began to think this. For instance, I have always had trouble looking people in the eyes while talking to them, my mother would make me look people in the eyes when I was with her, and it always felt very uncomfortable. There are other things as well that I won't into here.
@Jono & blindvic
Thanks.
The story of my life.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely you are not alone.
I understand how you feel. Because I am the exact kind of person, and you will find that there are a lot more of this kind than you might think. I also thought of Asberger at first, but only until I read more about introversion/introvert personalities, which is what really fits. I never had enemies, but I hated school because everyone was only thinking about partying etc. and I totally didn't want to. It all went better since I was done with school. Civil service improved my social skills and now that I go to university, where more people see partying as "been there, done that" and are a lot more fun to talk to and have more interesting hobbies/interests, it is not a problem at all anymore.
ReplyDeleteThis resonates a lot with me, although I perhaps don't have it quite so bad as you. I find dealing with social situations stressful and tiring, and always have felt that way.
ReplyDeleteI consider myself a loner and in truth am happy being alone for the most part. I do enjoy some social interaction though, with people that I know and am comfortable with. Finding such people is challenging for me because I have to force myself into social situations a lot of the time. I quite often feel like I have no friends in the world except for my girlfriend.
On top of this, I often find it difficult to understand why people do what they do, socially. For example, if someone treats me badly, or I see them treat others in ways I consider bad, I will not want to associate with them. Yet I see other people complain about the person's actions whilst still continuing to socialise with them. To me it seems horribly two-faced, yet everyone else seems to be doing it and enjoying it and it's me who is cutting myself off.
Other people seem to do all this effortlessly, but for me it's a constant and conscious act.
I haven't found the answer to any of this, but what has helped me is analysing it similarly to how you have done. I've come to peace with the facts of what I am, and don't feel too guilty for the times I want to be alone. At the same time I try to recognise the times when I know that I should force myself to be social.
So the only useful response I have is that
(a) you're not alone;
(b) if solitary pursuits make you happy and you're not hurting anyone then don't feel guilty about them; but
(c) be prepared to sometimes challenge your desire to be alone all the time because too much of it is self-destructive.
Good luck!
This, and other postings that you have written in the past, strongly chime with my experiences.
ReplyDeleteI have Asperger's syndrome and, contrary to one posting above, it poses very few barriers on many abilities to function. People with Asperger's are just as varied (and possibly more extreme, high and low) on any measure you select. Many adults with Asperger's syndrome have developed excellent coping strategies that completely mask neurological deficits, but at the expense of considerable stress levels while maintaining this facade of normality.
Asperger's syndrome does cause several difficulties of varying severity, such as sensory integration and social awareness. I am extremely distracted by unwanted sounds and by touch, I am also less aware of other people's mood and intended meanings than most people. Sensory sensitivity, social "blindness", poor emotional awareness (alexythimia) and dyspraxia are typical adjuncts of Asperger's.
A diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome may have no immediate practical value, but learning to recognize (and avoid or handle) stressful sensory and social exposures is a priceless result of learning why your neurology works the way it does. Occupational therapy and membership of an appropriate support group (starting with Wrong Planet) can be very helpful.
Welcome to our planet. ~.^ Remember you're okay the way you are.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself. It's ok to be different :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post!
We're all assholes. It just depends on who you ask. The problem is less you in this case though, and the others that expect or demand you act a certain way. We're not all the same.
ReplyDeleteA year (or more?) ago someone on Planet Ubuntu posted about a former manager at his job. He described him much the same way you described yourself. The manager just could not socialize "well" or read social cues. This despot of a poster, wrote that he and his cohorts at work got the manager fired. I spoke up about how ableist that was.
It is my hope that your obvious courage here, starts to make people realize that those of us that don't act according to THEIR social graces, deserve no less fair treatment than they do.
Thank you for posting this.
On IRC, try hanging out at #wrongplanet on freenode. Its a nice place to discuss some of these issues (just dont feed the trolls). You can also look into grasp.org and its support forums. People on the spectrum are not a one-size-fits-all things. We have a variety of deficits and abilities. As you age, you usually (unconsciously) develop skill to workaround some of your deficits but it might still drain you physically/emotinally. Some aspies are very direct in their manner of speak, this is in contract to the NTs of the world who operate with full awareness of the 'social graces' that the NT world expects--being polite when saying rude things or using sarcasm. If you are very direct as some aspies are, this will be seen as rude or being an asshole. Its mostly a difference of culture and experience. So thanks for the honest/brave post. And dont worry, its not a terminal disease, its just a social difference that many people have. About 1/3 of folks on the spectrum are 'aspies'.
ReplyDeleteJohn Elder Robison in article talks about the advantages of figuring things out knowing about Aspergers: "So that’s an example of how diagnostic knowledge can be tremendously empowering. You really have no potential to have a good life if there’s some fundamental difference between you and everyone else and you don’t understand what it is. There’s no way you’re going to integrate yourself with everyone else in ignorance."
ReplyDeletePretty cool article if you haven't already seen it.
congrats for sharing your thoughts genuinely. i dont think you need to be bothered about that syndrome as other people have described above too.
ReplyDeleteit may sound easy and yet hard but you need to socialize ( I know you cant but try ) more in order to more " USER Friendly " .
Reading this post is like watching myself in the mirror, literally speaking.
ReplyDeleteI've been there too. It's difficult to find a set of individuals with whom you can become friends and actually enjoy social time. Hacker spaces are a great avenue for this. There is a lot to explore mentally, but do not deny the social aspect of what makes us human.
ReplyDelete'Look outwards to dream, look inwards to awaken" - don't know
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ReplyDeleteI hope that things are clearer and better for you now, after some time to adjust to your decision to accept or challenge your suspected diagnosis.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes.
I happened upon your blog and found this post to explain what I was sort of like in school also. Although not as extreme I did pretty much stay to myself and cautiously ventured outward. You see, I have a thirst for knowledge also. I'm 57 now and I've learned a lot about, well, everything. I accept myself now how I am. I don't have many friends and that's okay. I have a wry sense of humor I think. People take me wrong a lot of times as I always have a straight face and look 'em in the eye when talking to them. I learned that effect early on. I'm okay, you're okay. By chance we shall meet and like each other or don't, that's okay, is what I always say. We can disagree but still remain civil to one another I've learned. Getting an understanding across to another is the hardest thing still to do I believe. Also, be careful to only give advice if asked. Notice how everyone is quick to give advice although you never asked? My one pet peeve. Onward through our journey I say!
ReplyDeleteI'm fairly certain that a good cross section of the geek population has some mild form of autism or ADHD. I would argue that it's not a disorder at all.
ReplyDeleteBeing different from the others doesn't necessarily implies that you need to be "cured". I have come to the conclusion that some people are meant to be like the others, fit into the most common and most average lifestyle, and some aren't. I don't know why but that's nature's ways I guess..
ReplyDelete